No illustrations

Sorry lunatics, i know its been awhile.. but ive been lazy or suffering from my genetically inherited disease commonly known as "semangat dua minit" or in english, A.D.D Attention Deficit Disorder.


So since i am feeling lazy like a chronic couch potato, this entry today is just purely text but i hope it still does its job and entertain you after a hard days work or make you think twice about suicide or getting that third piercing on your nose.


Alright! here we go. today's topic is basically phrases or jokes i have coined up on my own. If you have heard of them then that means someone else has heard my joke from me and told it to you and self-proclaimed it was theirs... and that is not an example of a noble human being and you should try your very best to avoid that kind of behavior; or i will spank you with a paddle laced with shattered glass. 


ok go!!




YOUR MAMA.

your mama is so STUPID.. she went to SUBWAY to take the train.


your mama is so FAT.. she ate the P.I.E


your mama is so UGLY.. she makes blind people vomit


your mama is so STUPID.. she needs a manual to read the manual


your mama is so FAT.. she has 4 sets of human organs in her


your mama is so UGLY.. when i saw her.. my heart had a heart attack


your mama is so Fat and UGLY.. Ultra Man punched her by mistake




MY DICK

My dick is so LONG.. when i have a long distance relationship, im still fucking her every night


My dick is so LONG.. when i lost the remote, i can still change the channel from where i am sitting


My dick is so HUGE.. it has to devour an antelope every month to sustain itself


My dick is so LONG.. the tip would sometimes get burnt because i would accidently fuck the sun


My dick is so LONG.. its the first human appendage on Everest


My dick is so MAGICAL.. when you look at it.. all your worries will dissipate to nothing


My dick is so MAGICAL.. when you touch it, you will smile the smile of a thousand Ethiopian kids getting MacDonalds for the first time


My dick is so ASTOUNDINGLY MAGICAL.. just kissing it.. will make you feel 2 decades younger


My dick is so HUGE.. i get rejected form sex alot because the girl dosent want stiches on her vagina


My dick is so HUGE.. i have to eat steroids so that i can fit my dick in my pants


My dick is so "READY TO POUNCE".. if i were to unzip now.. ill be poking your right eye to the back of your head


having a dick is tough work...




PHARASES

The Hangover

Have you ever heard this line?


To avoid a hangover... stay drunk... 


i heard it from two or three mat reps.


The person who coined this phrase must be a damn solid liquor salesperson.




Astrology 101


Aim for the moon and if u dont reach it
you'll lend among the stars...


The fucker who said this obviously skipped astrology classes.
the moon is millions of times closer to the earth then any star out there.




POEMS

I might draw my poems one day.. but as a teaser here it is.
just words.




What We Become

She tought me how to swim
and i tought her how to sing


Together the magic of our bonding transformed us..
Though unalike but the same


She became a mermaid
and i became a dolphin




Inner Animal

My friend called me a beast. 
Because i saw an attractive female and howled at her.
I turned to my friend, chin down, eyes fixated accompanied with a deranged sly smile.
I then ate my friend. He was bloody delicious. Literally. 

I sprinted with fevour to the attractive female next.
Her mix pheromones of Victoria Secret and Body Shop entered my mental through osmosis.
Unlocking a pandoras box of a potent compound of adrenelin, testostrone and lust
I call the compound adtostrust.


Some address the compound as sinn.
I say its a mental chemical pre-requisit 
which leads to an end to gnawing hunger
which cannot be nurished by vitamins, sugars and enzimes


Prey within distance, I leap with faith in my abilities.
Landed on her perfectly but violently. My hands pinned her shoulders. shes helpless
I gave my signature disturbing-based smile
opened my mouth and took a bite at the back of her neck; just below her hairline


With my left elbow pinning her down, the claws on my right arm rips her clothes with ease.
Like peeling the paper cover from a cold block of butter.
I proceed with my sacraledge, pilliage and profanation.
Her resistance is futile, her resistance.. all pretend.


I flipped her around and we gazed into eachother's windows
hers displayed dismay, intrigue and trust;
a stoic infatuation sprinkled with mutual understanding.
Mine displayed you are under my rule and I will keep you safe


Having an unspeakably vicious inner animal is torture
mantaining a sence of serenity is frivolous
having an unspeakably vicious inner animal is my essence
its hunger, burdensome but managabale.. at times




** My poems are mine, but the interpretation is up to you. so what ever you take away from here is totally yours. **


Remember  if u are feeling stressed or depressed, you can always ask to kiss my magical dick :) alright! stay safe and stay out of credit debts.

The walking omen

Happy Eid Mubarak one and all

Since the celebration of Eid is here. i guess it is only fitting that this entry is about an experience i had a few years back during the traditional visiting of friends and relatives during Eid.

I met up with the "Hardcore 84" gang which consist of Rev, Han, Ran, Zee, E.J and me. yes.. E.J is in this story also. If you are unfamiliar of E.J and his questionable antics, click here to read about him in an earlier entry. http://kimokies.blogspot.com/2011/04/night-at-beach.html

The visits started out well and normal with our 1st house being Zee's. The whole gang was there except E.J. We were going to visit E.J's home which was just a stone throw away after we were done at Zee's place. My guess was E.J was still at home either helping his mother clean up to prepare for guests or fondling himself while watching some abnormal or unconventional Japanese porn.. I doubt it was the first option.

After we had our fill of stupendous home cooked Malay food while watching two episodes of the hit-series "HEROS", we left for E.J's place. (P.S. i find "HEROS" a gay and unimaginative rip off of the Marvel comic cult "X-Men". People who find the show "extraordinary" or even good, may look mentally healthy but might suffer from possessing sad backgrounds, having fake marriages with their stuffed toys and/or have daddy issues. A.k.a Emos who were captivated, entranced and then follow pop culture)

*Random PMS rant

When we arrived at E.J's door step, he opened the door and let us in. He was wearing jeans but topless. If i were to dissect and explain in detail the sight that welcomed us, your nose might bleed or develop erectile dysfunction or suffer from weeks of insomnia so ill rather not.

But heres a picture anyway.

We slowly poured in; like entering his house was actually dangerous. The first ting we noticed immediately was the couch behind the door. it looks like any ordinary couch made for three except for the fact that the bottom part was lined with a tiger striped patterned cloth. it made the whole living room look

very "pornish".

We sat on and around the couch and spoke to each other in soft voices and watching our manners. While the t.v was playing across and his mom busy in the kitchen, E.J then came out of his room with a cap and a new, really loud purple t-shirt. He placed his cap on top of another table adjacent to us which had a few mini china ornaments on it.

We reacted to his fashion choice by laughing softly. E.J sensed the low toned chuckling was directed at him so he looked at us and asked..

"What??"

Then Rev answered

"E.J your t-shirt looks so gay sia"

He then looked down at his T, turned around, faced the kitchen and bellowed.. (quite squeamishly)

"Maaahh... does this T-shirt make me look gay?" trying to sound as adorable and boyish as one could muster which in turn made us squeamish

His mom looked over from the stove she was manning and replied

"Takdelah, mepek aje!!"

TRANSLATION: "no lah, nonsense only!!"

But E.J still wasn't convinced. so he went back to his room and put on a blue T-shirt which we have seen him wore before.

It was time for us to go and head to Han's house. So we all stood up to make a move and E.J came out from his room, walked over to the table where he left his cap and snatched it from the table. This was immediately accompanied by a sharp sound of glass shattering.

We all directed our attention to the floor. It was one of the china ornaments now in pieces. The poor inanimate object must be under the cap when E.J placed his cap on the table, and when he took the cap to wear it, the china ornament followed and landed on the uncushioned floor.

Everyone was in slight shock but me and Rev were chuckling first. Once again E.J directed his face towards the kitchen and spoke with his “Erik-Cartmen-from-the-animated-series-Southpark” mode of voice.

“Mmaaaahhh.. i broke one of your thing”

His mother came forward and saw what the commotion was about shook her head and said

“E.J, E.J, dah takpe nanti mak kemaskan.”

TRANSLATION: “E.J, E.J, never mind mummy will clean it up for you.”

Still giggling, we bid our farewell to E.J's sweet mom and proceeded to Han's home.

Once we arrived, we discovered that there were other guest as well and they were sitting at the living room. So Han directed and held us in his bedroom for the time being. He then went to the kitchen to help out with his mom abit.

In the room, some of us were on Han's little brother's bed or sitting on the floor. (Han forbade us to sit or lie on his bed)

E.J saw a wide, mobile, comfortable computer chair with back support and immediately gravitated towards it and plopped down on it.

The moment he did, another sharp sound was produced. This time it was more metallic. Afraid of breaking something and possibly having to pay for damages he reacted like lightning and jumped out of the chair and checked what went wrong.

He looked under the chair and found a metal knob which belong to a vintage kerosene lamp hanging by the wall behind where E.J was sitting.

Panicking, E.J started swearing a combo of “oh fuck”, “oh shit” and “oh no!”s simultaneously franticly trying to conceal the accident before Han entered the room. The rest of us were laughing at his sudden vigor and also of the fact that E.J created 2 catastrophes in less then three hours.

With the help of Lady Bad Timing, Han walked into the room, saw E.J fondling with something and asked with a concerned semi-worried voice “what are you doing??”

E.J turned his head gave a goofy smile and see that he has no alternative but to come clean. After explaining to Han in a very very apologetic tone, Han gave him the look of anguish and disappointment, took the metal knob from E.J, went to the kitchen and complained to his mom in a loud tone that one of his friend has defaced an expensive vintage item. We knew he was just fucking with E.J's mind but E.J was to worried to catch it.

This got E.J even more worried. He sighed, looked down, put on a sad slouch and walked to the end of Han's bed (which was not permitted) and once again plopped down.

Instantaneously like dynamite the bed gave way within milliseconds E.J was on the floor with a broken bed. E.J immediately stood up to examine the damage he caused. The rest of us were paralysed with laughter. Han rushed into the room responding to the commotion.

When Han saw his broken bed and E.J's goofy, but sorry face. Han tried to look serious and irate. But he couldn't hold it for long and he joined in the laughter also. Han then just shook his head and commented to E.J about him being a walking disaster and E.J just laughed it off.

Thankfully no other calamities ensued after that. So with that i end my story and wish all you Muslim readers a happy, joyful and blessed Eid Mubarak. Peace!