EEeeeww!!

EEeeeww!!


Few years ago when i was doing my compulsary servitude
to the nation, we had to clear this 
yearly stipulation of shooting the rifle at a shooting range
at an individual level for 2 reasons.
First is to make us more familiar with the rifle and secondly if anyone get a high enough score, we will get a marks-man badge.

This was the setting of where I personally feel i witnessed the Guinness world record of the biggest human
byproduct ever dug/secreted out; where the point of exit
isn't the anus.

Heres the skinny of it. During the shoot, we are required to wear ear plugs. Most of us used the ones
we purchased from the mini mart which sells standatd army items located in our camp. It looks something like this...

My detail was one of the middle ones. so after our turn, we had around 4 hours at the holding area which for dusk to come and we 

can commence our night shoot.

after shooting, my detail and i trudged back to the holding area to wait for the night shoot. the lay out was something like this. A long bench can hold 1 detail.

I was just gazing blankly at the trees in the distance... stoning in lucidity... day dreaming of nothing to be honest.
Or  i was thinking about sex with Rene Zelwiger again... my mind tends to meander towards that direction alot.

I was transported out of my psychedelic zone when i felt someone from behind taping me. It was Reid and beside him Noh.

I turn my head back to find them covering the lower part of their faces and giggling at full throttle and pointing at something 
beside me which is below shoulder level.

i gave them a confused combined with a "fucking pissed off" look and then directed my eyes to where they were pointing. 
The gasoline of their hyeana like manner.

I swear to you upon everything thats holy... I saw.. the largest cluster of ear wax ever to be accumilated on a ear plug.


* Give me a moment to compose myself.. remembering that horrible sight.... hurts like a sharp migrain*


I promise you on my man hood i am not exagerating


At that moment out of sheer horror, disgust and fear i exclaimed..


" eh Tee!!.. what the FARK is that SEE-AAALLL??!!"


while pointing to the monstrosity of human discharge.


He gave me his " what does this joker want now" look and unhappily ask me


"Ward..??" 

"Eh! you never bathe ah??!!" I was pretty loud at this point of time but I didn't realise it. 
I am sure you all have these rare golden moments also where you know what you are doing or saying but have little control on the delivery because your system is pumped with angst, stress and adrenalin.


I pointed stiffly at the ear wax.


Tee jokingly tried to wipe the life-sized smurf poo on my uniform. My body immediately reacted and went to "on guard" mode. the finger that was pointing became a fist and i gave him a stern verbal warning.


" I will fucking punch you in the face..."


With all seriousness

He then wiped it on his uniform and the wax just tumbled to the floor. 


I looked back and Reid and Noh were still tring their upmost in containing their laughter. They started calling me an ass-hole or "macam sial" in melay. I justified to them that i was in pure shock
I have never came across some thing so grotest and massive at such close proximity.

I decided to go for a smoke to calm myself down. I returned to my original seat and it seems that 
everything has gone back to normal. I even started laughing in retrospect on how unexpected I reacted.


A few moments later. a seargent tapped my shoulder to get my attention. he gave me his sweet dorkey smile and
asked me if he could borrow my ear plugs.
Now I dont really know this sergent he sudenly seem extra friendly with me out of a sudden. I was basicly creeped out.


I paused.. gave him a sacraledgious grin and instructed him to wait.


I turned and called out.. " TEEeeeee..." still smiling like a hungry fox.


"Ward??"

Now one thing about Tee is he has a colossal heart. always willing to lend a hand at the drop of a hat.
I told him about the sergeant's predicement and he willingly passed his earplugs.


Still smiling, I handed them over, (I was careful not to touch the earplugs I touched the red cord that were connecting them) he thanked me and marched on away. 


i know i know i am a stinking douche bag...