Her Last Words

This is.. i feel.. my deepest entry so far, to counteract the shallow one which i put up before this.

Last Saturday was my paternal grandmother's 9th death anniversary.

Grandmother had been weak and sick for some time at that time. We were not close, for she stayed with my dad's little sister. When told we were visiting her, i groaned, moaned and creaked. I've always hated family gatherings, I get stuck there for hours hearing the grown-up talk about uninteresting topics about furniture, other unknown relatives or an undiscovered gem of a food stall that sells amazing chendol. It was mental torture. Like having heating rods shoved deep in each ear and you feel your brain slowly melting away sliding down your throat.

Today's visit was abit different. Me and my siblings were told that we were going to visit grandmother because she was not experiencing good health. As a human being with feelings, i did not groan, moaned and creaked as much that day.

When we arrived and went to see her in her room. Something was really different. Firstly, my aunt's family seemed sadder then usual. Their demure were like heroin addicts who were coming down from a very bad “trip”. Secondly Grandmother looked lost lying on the bed, unresponsive to my dad who was calmly trying to communicate with her verbally.

I was still to immature to understand the gravity of the situation. My grandmother was dying and she was experiencing the final stages.

Two days later was the funeral. My dad didn't come home for he was by his mother's side till her last breath. I was surprise by the news but was unmoved. I think was the fact that Grandmother and I did not hang out often. We only see each other 2 to 3 times a year; and that was because i was forced to.

When I saw her, she has already been prepared for burial and tightly been wrapped in clean white cloth, only her face was exposed.

I looked at her. Eyes closed, eyebrows relaxed, lips seem to be at a semi-grin position. It looked like she was in a trace state of ultimate relaxation. Her face somewhat suggest to me that her passing was a painless and swift transaction. I knelled to the floor, said a few prayers and kissed her forehead.

I still was not feeling a heavy dose of sadness. I started to ask myself whats wrong with me?? here is a woman who is so sweet and kind hearted and she is no more capable of giving love, show her zen smile, shower who ever she talks to with her radiance of content; and I'm not feeling at loss.

I think its due to the fact that I try to make myself “stronger” by numbing the pain and not address sadness. As teenagers we tend to do that for we don't want to come off as weak to our peers or other strangers.

The event continued and more people came pouring in. Almost everyone was crying or at least had a visible amount of moisture in their eyes. Then it happened.

I was standing next to my mother and it came over me... like a flash flood of emotion.. Just like the uncontrollable reaction of closing your eyes when you sneeze, I looked to the floor and like a burst pipe, tears began to stream down to my chin.

I sheepishly requested from my mom the tissue beside her. Without judging and without looking at me she passed me the tissue. I tried to stop but it was futile. I requested for more tissue twice. Finally i felt flushed and was able to control myself.

That night best friend Rev made time to meet up with me. We met under my block and then proceeded to the top story of the multistory carpark beside my flat. We strapped on out roller blades and try our best to figure skate like talented swans. Instead i think we skated like swans with arthritis. Ok me.. i skated like a chronically ill swan.

Once we were tired we laid down on the asphalt, staring into the lightly salted sky. Then i open my mouth and said to Rev.

Me: You know what man?

Rev: What?

Me: Nothing is promised in this life, not happiness, not money, not even sadness or pain, or even a life.... coz you can die straight after birth or during birth... the only thing promised in life is.. death..

Rev: Thats deep man..

Me: Nah.. just common sense.

I was still in my psychedelic creative mode after we went home. So i grabbed a pen, my scrap book and my guitar and wrote a song.

I came up with it over night. It's a song about what a departing parent would generically say to their children before they go. Its called Her Last Words. Its inspired by and dedicated to my Grandma who is an inspiration, an exemplary and compassionate human being. I would like to thank Rev my talented drummer and Ran my excellent bassist for helping me manifest this piece.

Her Last Words

Have you ever wondered how it would be if I had wings to fly?

I'll bring you up to play on the clouds and watch the giant pass us by

Have you ever wondered how it would be if I could swim the ocean deep?

We'll play with the dolphins and sing with the whales

Sing me a song, put me in sweet slumber

I wanna leave with a smile soon we will be together

Remember what I said cherish me in your thoughts

I'll still take care of you but in a different way now

Have you wondered how it would be if I would give you anything?

I’ll give you everything that money can’t buy

Have you ever wondered how it would b if I could take anything from you?

I’ll take away your sorrow hate and anger

Sing me a song, put me in sweet slumber

I wanna leave with a smile soon we will be together

Remember what I said cherish me in your thoughts

I'll still take care of you but in a different way now

Sing me a song, put me in sweet slumber

I wanna leave with a smile soon we will be together

Remember what I said cherish me in your thoughts

I'll still take care of you but in a different way now

Have you ever wondered how it would be if I could live forever?

Ill love you till the end of time..