Her Last Words

This is.. i feel.. my deepest entry so far, to counteract the shallow one which i put up before this.

Last Saturday was my paternal grandmother's 9th death anniversary.

Grandmother had been weak and sick for some time at that time. We were not close, for she stayed with my dad's little sister. When told we were visiting her, i groaned, moaned and creaked. I've always hated family gatherings, I get stuck there for hours hearing the grown-up talk about uninteresting topics about furniture, other unknown relatives or an undiscovered gem of a food stall that sells amazing chendol. It was mental torture. Like having heating rods shoved deep in each ear and you feel your brain slowly melting away sliding down your throat.

Today's visit was abit different. Me and my siblings were told that we were going to visit grandmother because she was not experiencing good health. As a human being with feelings, i did not groan, moaned and creaked as much that day.

When we arrived and went to see her in her room. Something was really different. Firstly, my aunt's family seemed sadder then usual. Their demure were like heroin addicts who were coming down from a very bad “trip”. Secondly Grandmother looked lost lying on the bed, unresponsive to my dad who was calmly trying to communicate with her verbally.

I was still to immature to understand the gravity of the situation. My grandmother was dying and she was experiencing the final stages.

Two days later was the funeral. My dad didn't come home for he was by his mother's side till her last breath. I was surprise by the news but was unmoved. I think was the fact that Grandmother and I did not hang out often. We only see each other 2 to 3 times a year; and that was because i was forced to.

When I saw her, she has already been prepared for burial and tightly been wrapped in clean white cloth, only her face was exposed.

I looked at her. Eyes closed, eyebrows relaxed, lips seem to be at a semi-grin position. It looked like she was in a trace state of ultimate relaxation. Her face somewhat suggest to me that her passing was a painless and swift transaction. I knelled to the floor, said a few prayers and kissed her forehead.

I still was not feeling a heavy dose of sadness. I started to ask myself whats wrong with me?? here is a woman who is so sweet and kind hearted and she is no more capable of giving love, show her zen smile, shower who ever she talks to with her radiance of content; and I'm not feeling at loss.

I think its due to the fact that I try to make myself “stronger” by numbing the pain and not address sadness. As teenagers we tend to do that for we don't want to come off as weak to our peers or other strangers.

The event continued and more people came pouring in. Almost everyone was crying or at least had a visible amount of moisture in their eyes. Then it happened.

I was standing next to my mother and it came over me... like a flash flood of emotion.. Just like the uncontrollable reaction of closing your eyes when you sneeze, I looked to the floor and like a burst pipe, tears began to stream down to my chin.

I sheepishly requested from my mom the tissue beside her. Without judging and without looking at me she passed me the tissue. I tried to stop but it was futile. I requested for more tissue twice. Finally i felt flushed and was able to control myself.

That night best friend Rev made time to meet up with me. We met under my block and then proceeded to the top story of the multistory carpark beside my flat. We strapped on out roller blades and try our best to figure skate like talented swans. Instead i think we skated like swans with arthritis. Ok me.. i skated like a chronically ill swan.

Once we were tired we laid down on the asphalt, staring into the lightly salted sky. Then i open my mouth and said to Rev.

Me: You know what man?

Rev: What?

Me: Nothing is promised in this life, not happiness, not money, not even sadness or pain, or even a life.... coz you can die straight after birth or during birth... the only thing promised in life is.. death..

Rev: Thats deep man..

Me: Nah.. just common sense.

I was still in my psychedelic creative mode after we went home. So i grabbed a pen, my scrap book and my guitar and wrote a song.

I came up with it over night. It's a song about what a departing parent would generically say to their children before they go. Its called Her Last Words. Its inspired by and dedicated to my Grandma who is an inspiration, an exemplary and compassionate human being. I would like to thank Rev my talented drummer and Ran my excellent bassist for helping me manifest this piece.

Her Last Words

Have you ever wondered how it would be if I had wings to fly?

I'll bring you up to play on the clouds and watch the giant pass us by

Have you ever wondered how it would be if I could swim the ocean deep?

We'll play with the dolphins and sing with the whales

Sing me a song, put me in sweet slumber

I wanna leave with a smile soon we will be together

Remember what I said cherish me in your thoughts

I'll still take care of you but in a different way now

Have you wondered how it would be if I would give you anything?

I’ll give you everything that money can’t buy

Have you ever wondered how it would b if I could take anything from you?

I’ll take away your sorrow hate and anger

Sing me a song, put me in sweet slumber

I wanna leave with a smile soon we will be together

Remember what I said cherish me in your thoughts

I'll still take care of you but in a different way now

Sing me a song, put me in sweet slumber

I wanna leave with a smile soon we will be together

Remember what I said cherish me in your thoughts

I'll still take care of you but in a different way now

Have you ever wondered how it would be if I could live forever?

Ill love you till the end of time..

Randomness *Warning not for the faint hearted*

This is going to be the most tasteless and insensitive entry by far. I was bored and simply drew faces with their eyes replaced with taboo parts of the human anatomy. So if what i just said repulses you, please change the address in your address bar on top and wait for my next edition.

I would like to reach a wide spectrum of people with my blog. That includes the minuscule minority who like to look at unconvetional things; people who developed an allergy to pop culture. people who define the pictures I lazily made as art. And if u do regard the following pictures as art... then just like me you are in constant mental turmoil. Constantly restless, easily bored and addicted to somthing like smoking, work, sex, alcohol, drugs, pain, exercise or a combination of the few. Stillness of mind is something we try our best to achieve by filling our minds with something to think about and our fingers, something to do. Solution.... stop, close.... eyes, breathe... deep and smile... wide. Appretiate what you have, your body and your ability to feel joy. Once you feel you have exhaled all of the negative energy out, open your eyes slowly, keep smilling and continue what you were doing.

With out further a-do. Here comes the "art"

Booby Eyes

Clit Eyes

Cock Eyes

A night at the beach

When we were young.... life = drama


In my secondary school days, best friend Rev, my bud E.J and I would normally meet up under my block on Friday nights at 8pm with our bikes. After having everything accounted for, we would ride over to the nearest beach, sit on the water breaker and have shallow boy talk. If Rev brought his guitar along even better, we’ll have a Foo-Fighters sing-along.

On a particular Friday night, everything was as normal as a calm heart beat. But things got alittle too dramatic for me and Rev’s taste.

We would normally take around 20 minutes of cycling to reach our destination. When we arrived, we couldn’t help but put a simple smile on our faces (the place does that to you). It was a glorious night. The moon though not full was bright like a Japanese billboard, full vision of the twilight canvas for there was hardly any clouds and the rousing wind slapping our faces just how we like it and also accelerating the evaporation of our sweat. We kicked the bicycle stand, parked our man-powered vehicles on the grass patch just behind the place we will be sitting. after which, we walked towards the water breaker like lords (which was around 2 feet away), plopped down on our butts, straighten our hands behind us to support our sweaty bodies, spread our legs to a comfortable angle ( just enough to let the sweet sea breeze snake through our khakis or pants but not too much like a contortionist).

We just chilled, talked and discuss about everyday things and debating about life itself (it made us feel deep and philosophical); though our understanding of how it works was as weak as a bite from a small black ant.

After an hour or so of chatting and laughing like drunken hobos, E.J bursts into sudden hysteria and started flailing both his arms behind his head as if to brush away the largest and most painful lice with acid spit. His delirium was also companied by 3 sharp whimpers which sounded like "HERGH! HERGH! HERGH!"

Me and Rev just looked up at him with just a pinch of alarm. its not that we are mean or couldn’t care less but throughout our life of knowing E.J, we characterise him under people who can be socially awkward and would do stuff for attention so... for him to do that, to us is as normal as a selling meat at a butcher stall.

Once his theatrics were over, he calmed himself down and sat back down to where he originally was. Rev thought that it was best to leave the matter alone but due to my undying inquisitive hunger I couldn’t help but pry open my mouth and ask.

Me: “So what happened there? “

E.J: “Some fucking insect I think was a fucking cockroach ah.. was flying on my head”

Me: *Started to laugh loudly* a.k.a LOL

E.J: “Whaattt??!!” - with a very aggitated tone

Me: “well coz you’re like big size and all, and the cockroach is like a teeny little thing... and your afraid of it?? Come on!! How are you going to survive when you enroll in the army??”

E.J: “Whats that go to do with anything??!! I mean like yea I’m afraid of flying insects.. I mean everyone has their fears what?? Come on ah, you think you got no fears is it???” bla bla bla…

I cannot really recall what E.J said after that for I have lost interest and started a conversation with Rev about how E.J is over-reacting to my remarks which were said not to offend but to just tease. Like a girl greeting her best friend “Yo! Wad up biatch??!!”. It was all in the sake of goofing around. E.J wasn’t familiar nor a fan of this concept.

So after ranting to himself for a while, E.J realised that Rev and I were not giving him the attention he was looking for. He then got up while muttered something which I think falls along the line of “Fuck this!” and stormed off to his bike.

Me: “E.J where you going?” (I tell you.. I’m a chronic kaypo)

E.J: *still muttering to himself and not answering*

Me: Mmmoouu... k..kkaayyy...

E.J gripped the handles of his bike, lifted his right leg, mounted the seat, kick the stand, cycled abit and…

E.J: “WWWAAEEHHHHH!!!!”

I snapped my head around to see what the commotion was about, but E.J has curiously disappeared. Rev saw everything and he told me that after cycling around the grass patch for abit, E.J tried to do a wheelie and somehow miscalculated and nose dived into the ditch and somersaulted on to the beach.

Diagram of the beach (Left: Top View; Right: Side View) 

Me: “Is he ok?”

Rev: * shrugs *

Worry was just beginning to seep into our juvenile minds when we heard laughter, it was E.J's. He must have enjoyed the thrill ride to be laughing.

Me: “Eh E.J you ok?” (You see.. I can’t stop asking questions)

E.J answered by giggling and talking to himself with glee while pushing his bike out of the ditch. Maybe he didn’t hear me, oh well. I’m guessing if he is not discombobulated enough to push his bike out, I’m guessing he'll live.

E.J pushed his bike near a lamppost on a pavement nearby to check out the damage of his bike. Rev and I know better then to commence any form of communication with E.J when he is in his talk-to-myself mode. So we did what any kind loyal friend would do; we let him be and continued on with our conversations.

After 5 minutes or so, this is what we heard.

E.J: "aayy.. aayyyy!!! AAAAYYYYY!!!!"

At this time we were in the "gosh... what now??" phase of thought. When we looked behind, to our shock and disbelief, 3 stray dogs out of no where have surrounded E.J in a triangle formation. (have no idea how they got there; could be relatives of Cerberus)

They didn’t look menacing but more like curious, probably thinking " what is this chunky human trying to do?"

In an attempt to scare them away, buddy made the "aayy!!" noises while slamming his bike by the tire on to the pavement repeatedly.

This only made the dogs tilt their head slightly. In desperation, E.J continued his persistent noise making and took a step closer to the dogs. The dogs finally got E.J’s " you do NOT wanna fuck with this chunky man tonight, not ever!!" vibe and scampered off.

After which he called it a night and rode off home. Alone.

Soon me and Rev did the same thing for it was time for us to go anyway.

And after everything that has happened, all that has been said and done. It all didn’t mean a thing. Because in E.J’s world, regular colorful outbursts and rantings were his natural cycle; like my morning routing of defecating an hour after having breakfast. The following day at 8 am E.J called and woke Rev up from his sleep and asked.

E.J: "So what do you guys have planned for today?"